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Thursday, December 4

I've got a new mobile. It's a Sony Ericsson T160. So far it's got me well confused. Seems OK though. Do you remember when we didn't have mobiles? What a happy world.

Wednesday, December 3

This morning Doris and I called in the local cafe for a breakfast. It was shite! Why is it so hard to find good bacon these days? Whatever it was on that plate it wasn't bacon. Pale, watery, pink(ish), limp crap.

Tuesday, December 2

Whatever it is that's kicking about, I'm sick of it. I've felt like shit for days now, coughing till I throw up, aching all over. I already take more tablets than Moses and coupled with constant Lemsip (and Brandy) I'm thoroughly fed up. Moan.

A while ago someone suggested I relax with a bit of Bonzo Dog music. Bloody good idea. It helps. Cornology does the trick.

Monday, December 1

As usual, in the run up to Christmas, the pub goes a bit quiet as folks realise how much the festive season is going to cost. Tonight's been no exception, it's been like watching paint dry. The "cribbage four" were in, four guys who come in every Sunday to sit and play cribbage, a card game that is still very popular round these parts. They moan. If the pub's full they moan. If they consider the music too loud or a little too lively for their taste, they moan. Should anybody in the pub be enjoying thereselves they moan. It's been the same for the past six years. When we leave, I doubt these particular four guys will notice. As long as someone is behind the bar to dispense "Two Bodds" every twenty minutes or so it could be anybody. In six years Doris and I have failed to get anywhere near these people. My mate Gary was in (he's ALWAYS in!) sinking many pints of Tetley's. Sitting with him at the tap room bar was "Hodgy", a member of the pub's football team. Hodgy was well oiled having been in since one o' clock. Hodgy is the nicest kid you could wish to meet, a street philosopher with simple, basic, opinions. Every other word he utters has four letters or so and rhymes with "fuck". He is, in his words "thick as pigshit". He's not thick at all, just uneducated. He can hardly read and write but has a quick wit and can have you in stitches. You really can't help liking the guy.

Jo, one of our regulars, was in this afternoon. She appeared to be in the early stages of labour when she left, so we'll see what happens. She's a week or so late so this should be it. I'll let you know.

Monday, November 24

Friday's Children In Need night went well. I finished up dressing as Fred Flinstone. It seemed to work. There were some great costumes, a bin Laden lookalike, Adolf Hitler, a very sexy Spanish lady (Doris), a cowboy complete with saddle and very loud gun. Joint third place in the competition went to Averil who was dressed as a clown (I found her very sexy for some reason) and Kevin who was dressed as a typical gangster/spiv type. They won a bottle of Archers and some nice Belgian chocolates respectively. It was a night for joint results so second place went to John and Michelle, winning a bottle of Baileys also containing coffee for combining the two. John made a perfect Alice Cooper in bondage gear and makeup complete with home-made snake around his neck. Michelle, John's partner, dressed as Anna-Frid of Abba, also giving us some nice karaoke. Simon and Sarah were clear winners. Simon took up half the bar dressed as a pint of Carling lager, a three foot diameter brim at neck level made up of cotton wool to represent the head (it made excellent sense as Simon had plenty of room to stand and drink as no one could get anywhere near him. Sarah was dressed as a bag of cheese and onion Walkers crisps (it looked a lot better than it sounds!). They won a video recorder. After an hour and a half of karaoke it was time for my mate Gary to have his beard shaved and chest waxed. Believe me, the waxing was painful, Gary yelling his head off as the strips were pulled off. Without the 'tache and beard he looked like a "slapped arse".
After his ordeal was over and much applause was duly given, folks turned on me, suggesting I lose my moustache and beard also. This idea did not sit well with me, the chin not having seen the light of day for seven years and the moustache having been firmly in place since a drunken argument led to its demise in the Isle of Man in 1978.
I suggested that some money would have to be donated first as I wasn't prepared to reveal long unchartered chin for nothing. The pot soon hit thirty quid and in an attempt to raise some more money I said I'd rather match the money myself to keep my facial hair. A further whip-round brought it up to fifty-three quid and I went under the razor to cheers. We had a really good night and in total raised about five hundred quid mainly thanks to Gary's sponsorship efforts.

Saturday, November 22

The things you do when you're bored.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
Explored the pleasures of the flesh
Has yet to see self in mirror
Sex Drive 86.8%
The Pope is envious
Knows the other body type like a map
Gayness 98.2%
Repressed, are we?
Fucking Sick94.7%
Refreshingly normal
You are 74.94% pure
Average Score: 72.6%

Thursday, November 20

Don't leave me folks! I ain't finished yet. It's just that things are pretty weird at the moment.

Thursday, November 13

What sacrilege is this?

Tuesday, November 11

Someone's coming to have a look at the pub tomorrow. This could be it folks!

However, we're still here at the moment and are having a fancy dress party for Children In Need. My mate Gary is being sponsored to have his beard shaved and his chest waxed (it's a hell of a chest, he's 24 stone!). Various other things will go off on the night, I'm sure. I was just wondering what costume to wear. I want it to look good but I've got to host the karaoke etc. and will need fingers available and mouth. I need my mouth for drinking purposes anyway! What's a good costume? Any ideas friends?

Friday, November 7

Thanks Pink.

Especially the ones that go off right after you've sat down, and spray your ass. Dont'cha just hate that?

What pisses you off?

Created by ptocheia

Monday, November 3

We're saved! Finally science has been able to come up with something really important.

Saturday, November 1

Sorry for being a bit erratic of late. I do feel a long post coming on but I can't seem to get it out.

Read this.It's a good article proving what most of us knew all along. via J-Walk.

Friday, October 24

We're still in the pub. It's a long story but we could be here for a few more weeks yet. The Prozac helps but the trouble is I don't seem to give a shit about anything.

Overheard on a local street yesterday, during an on-street shouting match:
"You're only shouting and threatening me 'cause I'm black."
"No I'm not, ya fuckin' nigger."

It's an education living round here.

Hello folks! Sorry it's bin so long. Call it writers block or something. I haven't felt like blogging for a few days.

Tony Capstick died yesterday. I always liked Tony, I met him a few times many years ago when I worked behind the bar of a pub he used to frequent from time to time. A nice guy and a very knowledgeable man. I've enjoyed his radio and TV work for years. He was a legendary drinker and sometimes it interfered with his work, but that was part of the man, sometimes you could tell he was flying by the seat of his pants. An excellent folk singer and performer, even making number three in the charts. He'll be missed by a lot of people round South Yorkshire including me.

Tuesday, October 14

I've just finished "Ricky" by Ricky Tomlinson. One of the best autobiogs I've read in ages. Get hold of a copy if you can.

Sunday, October 12

Here's this week's answers folks!

2. Sangria
3. Wimbledon
4. Aldershot
5. Black
6. 1950’s (1955)
7. Grosvenor House Hotel
8. Buy One Get One Free
9. Hedgehog
10. Hampshire
11. Ben Elton
12. Oysters
13. 1992
14. Japan
15. February
16. Ecuador
17. John Lennon
18. Superman (by 11 months)
19. Eyam
20. Peter Kay

Tie-break 15.3 seconds

How did you do?

Thursday, October 9

It dun't tek long to get to Thursday, does it? Here's yet another quiz:

1. TRUE OR FALSE: There are plans to have a £5 coin in general circulation by April.
2. In the classic Lou Reed hit Perfect Day, what is drunk in the park?
3. Which football club play their home matches at the National Hockey Stadium in Milton Keynes?
4. Which Hampshire town describes itself as "Home of the British Army"?
5. What colour is an angry chameleon – red, black or green?
6. In which decade was Cardiff officially made the capital of Wales?
7. At which hotel on Park Lane, London did the alleged rape take place involving a 17-year-old girl and a number of professional footballers?
8. In the retail trade, what does B.O.G.O.F. stand for?
9. Which small animal is the main ingredient of the traditional gypsy dish "hotchi-witchi"?
10. Until 1974, the Isle of Wight was part of which county?
11. Who wrote the novel “Gridlock”?
12. Which creatures change sex depending on the temperature of the water?
13. NAME THE YEAR: Eleven former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. In football, the England defender Des Walker leaves Nottingham Forest for Sampdoria. Anthea Turner becomes a Blue Peter presenter and Marc Almond has a pop hit with The Days Of Pearly Spencer.
14. In which country will the final Formula One Grand Prix of the season take place on Sunday?
15. In New Orleans, the Mardi Gras festival occurs each year in which month?
16. In which country is Cotopaxi, the highest active volcano in the world?
17. In 2002, who was the only musician to be voted in the top ten in BBC's "Great Briton's" poll?
18. Who is older, Superman or Batman?
19. Which Derbyshire town's inhabitants voluntarily quarantined themselves to prevent the plague from spreading in the 17th century?
20. Who stars in the award-winning series Phoenix Nights just released on Video & DVD?

Tie-break What is the world record for eating three lemons, including skin and pips?

Wednesday, October 8

What the hell's going on with English football? As Bob said "money, doesn't talk, it swears".

How come so many arseholes are good at football? Compensation for lack of brain cells perhaps?

Monday, October 6

Have some answers then:-

2. A
3. 43
4. Morocco
5. The Three Feathers
6. Me
7. Paul Merton
8. An Elephant
9. 1995
10. Cambridge
11. Underworld
12. Greece
13. 1956
14. George V
15. 12
16. $100. Larger denominations were withdrawn in 1969.
17. Foil
18. Tombstone, Arizona
19. Antifreeze
20. Bolivia

Tie-break 1965

Friday, October 3

Have some questions:-

1. TRUE OR FALSE: A grasshopper’s ears are in its knees.
2. Which is the only vowel on a standard keyboard that is not on the top row of letters?
3. What number president of the USA is George W Bush?
4. Rabat is the capital of which kingdom?
5. What's the name of the pub in The Royle Family, often referred to but never seen?
6. Which word is featured in the titles of the Beatles' first three singles?
7. Which comic's wife, Sarah Parkinson, died last week aged just 41?
8. Apart from humans, which is the only animal able to perform a headstand?
9. In which year did Robbie Williams leave Take That?
10. Which university has won the boat race on most occasions?
11. What is the title of the new film starring Kate Beckinsale that shares its name with Mike Baldwin's knicker factory in Coronation Street?
12. Which country has repeatedly asked the United Kingdom for the return of the Elgin Marbles?
13. NAME THE YEAR: Third-class was abolished on trains and renamed second-class. Riots broke out in British cinemas during the screening of Rock Around The Clock. Athletes Sebastian Coe and Tessa Sanderson were born and the Olympics were held in Melbourne, Australia.
14. Which British King married Mary of Teck?
15. How many stars on the European flag?
16. Which is the largest denomination dollar bill now in circulation?
17. Only one type of weapon is used in women’s fencing – which?
18. Which town was the scene of the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral?
19. What’s the more common name for the liquid Ethylene Glycol?
20. In which country was the Argentine-born revolutionary Che Guevara shot dead in 1968?

Tie-break In which year was The Munsters first seen on British TV?

I'm on this man's side.

Thursday, October 2

A guy walked in this lunchtime with a fried egg on his head. "Why've you got a fried egg on your head", I asked. "A boiled 'un wun't stop on", he replied.